My mission is to destroy everything. As simple as it gets, right?
Well, surprisingly, no. Here's the problem. How do you know when something is actually destroyed? For instance, say you blow up a planet. All that's left is bits of rock. But bits of rock are "things" too, aren't they? Take it a few steps further and you're chipping away at individual protons and neutrons. And if we get really technical, isn't the vacuum a "thing?"
What's an annihilator to do?
Like any other profession, we need standards to tell us when our job is complete. There are no absolute rules, but you get the hang of it after a while. Basically, you need to be able to look at something and decide whether it's sufficiently wretched to count as "destroyed" without any further action on your part.
Let's see some examples.
Pristine: The Lord of the Rings
Damaged: The Sword of Shannara
Destroyed: Eragon
Healthy: Super Nintendo
Ailing: Gamecube
Done: Virtual Boy
Sweet: The Next Generation
Hmmm: Voyager
What: Enterprise
Excellent: Steak
Questionable: Pot Roast
Epic Fail: Liver
Groovy: The 70s
Iffy: The 30s
Not even trying: The 80s
Outstanding: Strawberries
Passable: Radishes
Qualifies for federal disaster relief funds: Artichokes
Rockin': Paul McCartney
Solid: George Harrison
Help! I need somebody: Yoko Ono
Nice: Pythagorean Theorem
OK: Quadratic Formula
Rubbish: Cubic Formula
Sweetness: Batman
All right: Batman Returns
Well then: Batman Forever
Suicide-inducing: Batman and Robin
Oh wow please just stop: Catwoman
W00t: Square Enix
Meh: EA Games
Pwned: Blizzard
...okay, I only did that last one to increase my LOBSMAARP rating a bit.
LOBSMAARP: 41%
Monday, May 11, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
The first brave soul
Here is a photo of the first person brave enough to respond to my request.
The observant reader will note that her awesomeness has been increased almost 85% as a result of this shirt!
Anyone else?
The observant reader will note that her awesomeness has been increased almost 85% as a result of this shirt!
Anyone else?
Saturday, May 9, 2009
I need pix pl0x
Sadly, my own store does not have any shirts in my size (Zazzle doesn't offer 4387XL, can you believe it?) However I do have some human-sized stuff, so I made my web dude pose for a photo for your amusement.
To everyone out there who's bought one of my shirts, send in a photo of yourself wearing it, and I'll post it on the blog! (I'll be happy to post your name, or let you remain anonymous, as you prefer.) If you want to send a picture of yourself posing with something else from the store (like a mug, button, magnet, or bumper sticker) that would be awesome too.
If you're not already immortal (like me), this is the next best thing!
To everyone out there who's bought one of my shirts, send in a photo of yourself wearing it, and I'll post it on the blog! (I'll be happy to post your name, or let you remain anonymous, as you prefer.) If you want to send a picture of yourself posing with something else from the store (like a mug, button, magnet, or bumper sticker) that would be awesome too.
If you're not already immortal (like me), this is the next best thing!
Friday, May 8, 2009
The Sargeras Emoticon
After much consideration, I have decided to bestow upon you, my readers, the glory of my personal emoticon. Here it is. Gaze at it in wonder.
>>}8^O
It is a whopping six characters long, which is a lot of characters (unless you're reading a Robert Jordan book, zing) so you should use it sparingly. Only invoke this potent symbol to signify that a comment or situation is truly of geography-sundering caliber.
Here are some situations where it is appropriate:
"I just beat Super Mario Bros: Lost Levels without dying! >>}8^O"
"The ice cream store has stopped charging money, and also Natalie Portman works there now. >>}8^O"
"My skin is on fire and I can control people with my mind!!1 >>}8^O"
Here are some situations where it is NOT appropriate:
"I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico. >>}8^O"
"This butter tastes like I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. >>}8^O"
"So it turns out that Stacy didn't really like Zak, even though she said she totally did, actually she likes Jim who is insanely hot but Jim never called Amy back so I kind of think he's like a jerk even though he has that kickass Gerber Baby tattoo. >>}8^O"
That last one might be okay if you can work it into an actual conversation.
Anyway. Emote responsibly, and have a great weekend!
LOBSMAARP: 35%
>>}8^O
It is a whopping six characters long, which is a lot of characters (unless you're reading a Robert Jordan book, zing) so you should use it sparingly. Only invoke this potent symbol to signify that a comment or situation is truly of geography-sundering caliber.
Here are some situations where it is appropriate:
"I just beat Super Mario Bros: Lost Levels without dying! >>}8^O"
"The ice cream store has stopped charging money, and also Natalie Portman works there now. >>}8^O"
"My skin is on fire and I can control people with my mind!!1 >>}8^O"
Here are some situations where it is NOT appropriate:
"I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico. >>}8^O"
"This butter tastes like I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. >>}8^O"
"So it turns out that Stacy didn't really like Zak, even though she said she totally did, actually she likes Jim who is insanely hot but Jim never called Amy back so I kind of think he's like a jerk even though he has that kickass Gerber Baby tattoo. >>}8^O"
That last one might be okay if you can work it into an actual conversation.
Anyway. Emote responsibly, and have a great weekend!
LOBSMAARP: 35%
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Sargeras vs. Airplane
Flying is pretty much the worst. Here is my process:
1. I call the airline the day before to warn them, so that people will not freak out when I arrive.
2. I spend two hours trying to fit everything I will need into a bag the size of my eyelash-tip. I finally give up and just pay the eight billion dollars to have it FedExed.
3. I arrive. People freak out.
4. The airlines all have names like that involve things I like to burn, like Continental and AirWorld. I am pretty sure they do this just to make me angry.
5. Like, 92% sure.
6. I cannot hold my boarding pass because my hands are on fire. I have to have a demon carry it for me. His seat costs extra.
7. I go through the metal detector forty-four times. I repeatedly explain that I am made out of metal and cannot possibly avoid being "detected."
8. My helper demon spends twenty minutes flipping through issues of People at the airport book store. I can't smite him because he's holding my boarding pass.
9. I wait. People stare at me and look away when I look at them. The teenage girl next to me has her headphones on. She is listening to Pink.
10. The plane is smaller than I am.
11. I board the plane. The man next to me says his name is Gilbert. I do not know if it is his first or last name but he smells of raccoon.
12. The in-flight movie is that Wolverine origin one. I keep a running tally of things that are ridiculous. When they graft adamantium to his skeleton by injecting it as a liquid, I count that as two things.
13. The stewardess asks if I would like some pretzels. I say no but they bring them anyway. I am unable to open the bag. I give the pretzels to my helper demon.
14. We land. I smite my helper demon.
15. It is so bad.
LOBSMAARP: 8% (hey, I'm doing good this week!)
1. I call the airline the day before to warn them, so that people will not freak out when I arrive.
2. I spend two hours trying to fit everything I will need into a bag the size of my eyelash-tip. I finally give up and just pay the eight billion dollars to have it FedExed.
3. I arrive. People freak out.
4. The airlines all have names like that involve things I like to burn, like Continental and AirWorld. I am pretty sure they do this just to make me angry.
5. Like, 92% sure.
6. I cannot hold my boarding pass because my hands are on fire. I have to have a demon carry it for me. His seat costs extra.
7. I go through the metal detector forty-four times. I repeatedly explain that I am made out of metal and cannot possibly avoid being "detected."
8. My helper demon spends twenty minutes flipping through issues of People at the airport book store. I can't smite him because he's holding my boarding pass.
9. I wait. People stare at me and look away when I look at them. The teenage girl next to me has her headphones on. She is listening to Pink.
10. The plane is smaller than I am.
11. I board the plane. The man next to me says his name is Gilbert. I do not know if it is his first or last name but he smells of raccoon.
12. The in-flight movie is that Wolverine origin one. I keep a running tally of things that are ridiculous. When they graft adamantium to his skeleton by injecting it as a liquid, I count that as two things.
13. The stewardess asks if I would like some pretzels. I say no but they bring them anyway. I am unable to open the bag. I give the pretzels to my helper demon.
14. We land. I smite my helper demon.
15. It is so bad.
LOBSMAARP: 8% (hey, I'm doing good this week!)
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
RE: my sanity
Hey everyone. Brian here. I have an announcement.
Up till now I've been keeping to a strict posting schedule of one post every weekday, plus some sort of shorter content on Saturdays. Between writing posts, keeping up with e-mail, and various other activities, I've been spending in the neighborhood of 12-15 hours per week on the blog. If that doesn't sound like a lot, consider that I also have a full-time job, karate classes, a novel I'm trying to write, a family and friends who would like to see me on occasion, and delusions of a thing called "free time."
Bottom line, it's just too much.
At the same time, I'm not about to give up on this blog anytime soon, and I would like to give y'all some reason (however small) to keep coming back here every weekday.
With that in mind, here's the new posting schedule:
Monday, Wednesday, Friday: Normal post (or as normal as they ever are around here)
Tuesday, Thursday: Haiku (or something else very short)
Saturday, Sunday: Nothing
That's not to say I won't ever post more often than the schedule above, I'm just saying don't expect it.
Will this lose me some readers? Maybe. Hopefully not. But I'm not going to obsess over it - life's too short.
And on the plus side, uh, haiku fans rejoice!
Up till now I've been keeping to a strict posting schedule of one post every weekday, plus some sort of shorter content on Saturdays. Between writing posts, keeping up with e-mail, and various other activities, I've been spending in the neighborhood of 12-15 hours per week on the blog. If that doesn't sound like a lot, consider that I also have a full-time job, karate classes, a novel I'm trying to write, a family and friends who would like to see me on occasion, and delusions of a thing called "free time."
Bottom line, it's just too much.
At the same time, I'm not about to give up on this blog anytime soon, and I would like to give y'all some reason (however small) to keep coming back here every weekday.
With that in mind, here's the new posting schedule:
Monday, Wednesday, Friday: Normal post (or as normal as they ever are around here)
Tuesday, Thursday: Haiku (or something else very short)
Saturday, Sunday: Nothing
That's not to say I won't ever post more often than the schedule above, I'm just saying don't expect it.
Will this lose me some readers? Maybe. Hopefully not. But I'm not going to obsess over it - life's too short.
And on the plus side, uh, haiku fans rejoice!
Monday, May 4, 2009
Haikugeddon
There has been some talk lately that, for a guy who claims to like haiku, I haven't actually posted any yet. I will respond to those claims like I respond to all criticism: with ridiculous excess.
Here we go: 25 haikus that capture the essence of the titan condition!
1.
Evil is like a
soft and gentle summer gust
of nitric acid.
2.
Sure, I've got regrets.
Everybody's got regrets.
But mine are cooler.
3.
They said Eonar
was too hot for me. Yeah, sure.
Who's hot now, bitches?!
4.
What? A planet here?
No, this is just chunks of rock.
Your map must be wrong.
5.
Legion rebellions
are short-lived. Rebel leaders,
sans head, are just short.
6.
Even titan girls
don't like to be called massive,
Eonar opines.
7.
There's a server named
"Sargeras." That's like naming
your daughter "Smallpox."
8.
RE: frEe C1alis
If it were any bigger,
stars would orbit it.
9.
The Burning Legion
has ten thousand demon-lords
and three bathroom stalls.
10.
RING! Hey, Voldemort,
Joel Schumacher's on the phone.
He wants his fail back.
11.
I heat my coffee
by putting it in the sun.
What a bright idea!
12.
Okay, so, what's black
and white and red all over?
Oreos I've licked.
13.
The ecosystem
is like a big house of cards:
you just can't resist.
14.
"Death is part of life."
Fine. So I'm just spreading life.
Quit your bitching, then.
15.
Better to light a
candle and/or continent
than curse the darkness.
16.
Some people are like,
"How can you be so awful?"
Look. It's not easy.
17.
The Twisting Nether:
perfect as a hiding place,
not so good for golf.
18.
To understand me,
walk a mile in my shoes. And
I do mean in them.
19.
I have a pebble
stuck in my left boot. Also,
where'd Gibraltar go?
20.
Smith said to Neo,
"The purpose of life's to end."
Neo was like, "what"
21.
If I had a dime
for each planet I've destroyed,
I'd have lots of dimes.
22.
I am not a crook!
Vaporizing planets is
a misdemeanor.
23.
I AM DARK TITAN!!
I AM DESRTOY EVERTHING!!1!
!!one!!!one!!one!oneone
24.
I hear people say,
"Less QQ and more pew pew."
Are church seats that great?
25.
Having fiery hair:
efficient barbecuing,
awkward second dates.
26.
A wise man once said,
"Peace is the best victory."
He was delicious.
OH! That's right, I said I would post 25 haikus and I posted 26! Because that's just how I roll.
For bonus points, post your comments as haikus too.
LOBSMAARP: 22%
Here we go: 25 haikus that capture the essence of the titan condition!
1.
Evil is like a
soft and gentle summer gust
of nitric acid.
2.
Sure, I've got regrets.
Everybody's got regrets.
But mine are cooler.
3.
They said Eonar
was too hot for me. Yeah, sure.
Who's hot now, bitches?!
4.
What? A planet here?
No, this is just chunks of rock.
Your map must be wrong.
5.
Legion rebellions
are short-lived. Rebel leaders,
sans head, are just short.
6.
Even titan girls
don't like to be called massive,
Eonar opines.
7.
There's a server named
"Sargeras." That's like naming
your daughter "Smallpox."
8.
RE: frEe C1alis
If it were any bigger,
stars would orbit it.
9.
The Burning Legion
has ten thousand demon-lords
and three bathroom stalls.
10.
RING! Hey, Voldemort,
Joel Schumacher's on the phone.
He wants his fail back.
11.
I heat my coffee
by putting it in the sun.
What a bright idea!
12.
Okay, so, what's black
and white and red all over?
Oreos I've licked.
13.
The ecosystem
is like a big house of cards:
you just can't resist.
14.
"Death is part of life."
Fine. So I'm just spreading life.
Quit your bitching, then.
15.
Better to light a
candle and/or continent
than curse the darkness.
16.
Some people are like,
"How can you be so awful?"
Look. It's not easy.
17.
The Twisting Nether:
perfect as a hiding place,
not so good for golf.
18.
To understand me,
walk a mile in my shoes. And
I do mean in them.
19.
I have a pebble
stuck in my left boot. Also,
where'd Gibraltar go?
20.
Smith said to Neo,
"The purpose of life's to end."
Neo was like, "what"
21.
If I had a dime
for each planet I've destroyed,
I'd have lots of dimes.
22.
I am not a crook!
Vaporizing planets is
a misdemeanor.
23.
I AM DARK TITAN!!
I AM DESRTOY EVERTHING!!1!
!!one!!!one!!one!oneone
24.
I hear people say,
"Less QQ and more pew pew."
Are church seats that great?
25.
Having fiery hair:
efficient barbecuing,
awkward second dates.
26.
A wise man once said,
"Peace is the best victory."
He was delicious.
OH! That's right, I said I would post 25 haikus and I posted 26! Because that's just how I roll.
For bonus points, post your comments as haikus too.
LOBSMAARP: 22%
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Weekend poetry
I think this poem is very beautiful, in an odd sort of way, and perfect for a blog like mine.
The Second Coming
William Butler Yeats
Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.
Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?
The Second Coming
William Butler Yeats
Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.
Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?
Friday, May 1, 2009
Introducing "LOBSMAARP"
If you've been reading this blog for any length of time, you probably realize that not everything I write would necessarily be, shall we say, pleasing to the fine and long-suffering folks at Blizzard. I can only envision a scenario in which, each day, the manager of their marketing team looks at the latest CWS post and his heart withers a little more, the latest of many steps in its long slow progression toward utter blackness. (Not unlike my own tempestuous youth!)
Frankly, it's a wonder they haven't taken legal action already.
I am, of course, quite immune to the machinations of the judicial apparatus. (A jury of my peers? Bitch, please. I'm chaotic evil.) Nonetheless I have a certain intellectual fascination with these matters, and I like to keep an eye on just how close I am to the edge.
With that in mind, I present LOBSMAARP: "Likelihood Of Blizzard Suing Me As A Result of this Post."
LOBSMAARP may be expressed as a percentage, with 0% representing a post about the soft fluffiness of kittens and 100% representing...um...well, let's just say it would be bad.
So, for example, a post delineating the properties of various villains is pretty harmless, and would garner a LOBSMAARP of, say, 5%. Meanwhile a post in which I tell Blizzard where to stick it regarding the pronunciation of one of their own characters' names might rate a 50% or so. And of course some posts are just asking for it.
Not every post will have a LOBSMAARP rating (owing to how I'm not yet completely OCD) but you'll see it here and there. Just my little way of keeping you in the loop.
Have a good weekend, everybody!
Frankly, it's a wonder they haven't taken legal action already.
I am, of course, quite immune to the machinations of the judicial apparatus. (A jury of my peers? Bitch, please. I'm chaotic evil.) Nonetheless I have a certain intellectual fascination with these matters, and I like to keep an eye on just how close I am to the edge.
With that in mind, I present LOBSMAARP: "Likelihood Of Blizzard Suing Me As A Result of this Post."
LOBSMAARP may be expressed as a percentage, with 0% representing a post about the soft fluffiness of kittens and 100% representing...um...well, let's just say it would be bad.
So, for example, a post delineating the properties of various villains is pretty harmless, and would garner a LOBSMAARP of, say, 5%. Meanwhile a post in which I tell Blizzard where to stick it regarding the pronunciation of one of their own characters' names might rate a 50% or so. And of course some posts are just asking for it.
Not every post will have a LOBSMAARP rating (owing to how I'm not yet completely OCD) but you'll see it here and there. Just my little way of keeping you in the loop.
Have a good weekend, everybody!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Ask Sargeras! In which server names are mocked without good cause.
Hated Dark Titan,
Today I was procrastinating for a while and then I remember a quote from a human you may know whose name was Robert Oppenheimer. He is famous on my planet and maybe you have heard about him, if that's so then I'm sure you remember when he said "Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds" now my question is
What are your thoughts about that?
Mr. Oppenheimer uttered those words upon witnessing the Earth's first atom bomb explosion in 1945 - an explosion he himself was largely responsible for. Now, an atom bomb contains approximately the same amount of power as I possess in my left pinky finger, which is no small feat, so I suppose I can't blame the fellow for a bit of hyperbole. 20 kilotons here, 20 kilotons there, and pretty soon you're talking about real power.
Of course, Oppenheimer was quoting Krishna, who's destroyed a world or two in his time as well. I'm not sure how happy Krishna is about that, but then the copyright on the Bhagavad Gita did expire twenty-two centuries ago.
Dear Sargeras, Annihilator of All that is Planet-Shaped and Crunchy:
Have you ever had one of those "oh shit" moments right after turning a specific planet into a lifeless shard of blackened earth and immolated ruins? Like, say, you realize after disintegrating the Concubine Gardens of Vagis 5 that you could have instead had the planet's inhabitants enslaved and forced to work for your own insidious purposes rather than simply melting into pools of whore-flavored goo (the best kind amirite) and evaporating in seconds.
Another Unimportant Soul Soon To Be Eradicated
P.S.: Have you ever read George Orwell's 1984? Judging by its intellectual intricacies, I think you'd definitely find it at the very least amusing.
P.P.S.: Sorry about the Vagis 5 pun. I couldn't hold it back.
It's safe to say I get more pleasure from the act of destruction than any miniature female could possibly provide. The only planet I ever regretted destroying was Shaped-Like-Keanu-Reeves-World. Not because it deserved to live, but because I wish I'd taken a screenshot first.
Cause, man. Shaped-Like-Keanu-Reeves-World? It's shaped like Keanu Reeves.
And yes, 1984 is one of my favorite books. Because believe me, I know how annoying a Big Brother can be.
Dark Lord Sargeras, Destroyer of Worlds,
Hey man, I was hoping you could help me out with something. See a couple months ago I was a druid, turning into cats and bears and making flowers grow and calling laser moonlight from the sky, that kind of thing. It was great for awhile, but honestly, after about ten thousand years of it a guy is more than ready for a change, am I right? So I was in the market for something REALLY different when I hear about this guy Arthas in Northrend. It seems he's recruiting to make more Teron Gorefiends, and that dude was a major badass, so I waste no time in signing up.
Let me tell you something. Being dead SUCKS. You have no idea the amount of thread and skin cream I go through just to keep my flesh hanging on my body. When you're alive a papercut is no big deal, heals in a couple days. Dead? That rip in your skin is there forever, and it freaking grows every time you flex your hand. I'm sure you can imagine what the axe cuts are like. Nobody wants me around anymore 'cause of the smell and the bloodworms and bad experiences with my paint chip-eating colleagues. Plus- and this is kind of becoming a concern- I haven't been warm since November. I don't technically sleep but this cold thing is really wearing me out.
And Arthas? That dude tried to use and destroy me. That just ain't cool.
So let me make a long story short. I hear life in the Nether is a lot more interesting and hell at this point I wouldn't mind a little flames and darkness. Do you think you might have an opening for someone with my skills? I'm really getting the hang of this "reaping souls and chaos" thing and I think I could be useful in your organization.
Sincerely,
Mulifein, Death Knight
Feathermoon US
We at the Burning Legion are always accepting applications, and I can well understand how existence as an undead lackey could be a real pain in the - er - everything. (No offense, Arthas!) So, you're welcome to send us a resume.
There's only one problem I see, and that's your server name.
Dude. Feathermoon?
I mean, no offense, I'm sure it's a great realm and all, and Shandris is wicked with her bow, but...
"Feathermoon"?
I'm gonna level with ya, kid - that'll be a tough sell to the Demon Horde.
Incredible Titan Who Occasionally partakes in poetry, coffee, and blogging,
We all know you could destroy the ozone layer, cripple the atmosphere, and kill off the biosphere, but what could you do to the blogosphere?
-Tom.
PS: In one of your comments you mentioned burning legion rock bands. What kind of rock do they play, and could we land a recording or a performance of said band?
What could I do to the blogosphere? I'm doing it right now. ;-)
Yeah, we've got a few bands in the Legion. I wish I could say we represent a diverse range of musical genres, but it's pretty much all Grunge Black Punk Goth Thrash Doom Death Metal. Kil'jaeden has a band called Firehöse, which he apparently thinks is like the coolest name ever. He swears they're huge in Helsinki. *eyeroll*
Well, that's all for this mailbag, little ones! Be sure to tune in tomorrow, same time, same channel. And keep those e-mails coming!
Today I was procrastinating for a while and then I remember a quote from a human you may know whose name was Robert Oppenheimer. He is famous on my planet and maybe you have heard about him, if that's so then I'm sure you remember when he said "Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds" now my question is
What are your thoughts about that?
Mr. Oppenheimer uttered those words upon witnessing the Earth's first atom bomb explosion in 1945 - an explosion he himself was largely responsible for. Now, an atom bomb contains approximately the same amount of power as I possess in my left pinky finger, which is no small feat, so I suppose I can't blame the fellow for a bit of hyperbole. 20 kilotons here, 20 kilotons there, and pretty soon you're talking about real power.
Of course, Oppenheimer was quoting Krishna, who's destroyed a world or two in his time as well. I'm not sure how happy Krishna is about that, but then the copyright on the Bhagavad Gita did expire twenty-two centuries ago.
Dear Sargeras, Annihilator of All that is Planet-Shaped and Crunchy:
Have you ever had one of those "oh shit" moments right after turning a specific planet into a lifeless shard of blackened earth and immolated ruins? Like, say, you realize after disintegrating the Concubine Gardens of Vagis 5 that you could have instead had the planet's inhabitants enslaved and forced to work for your own insidious purposes rather than simply melting into pools of whore-flavored goo (the best kind amirite) and evaporating in seconds.
Another Unimportant Soul Soon To Be Eradicated
P.S.: Have you ever read George Orwell's 1984? Judging by its intellectual intricacies, I think you'd definitely find it at the very least amusing.
P.P.S.: Sorry about the Vagis 5 pun. I couldn't hold it back.
It's safe to say I get more pleasure from the act of destruction than any miniature female could possibly provide. The only planet I ever regretted destroying was Shaped-Like-Keanu-Reeves-World. Not because it deserved to live, but because I wish I'd taken a screenshot first.
Cause, man. Shaped-Like-Keanu-Reeves-World? It's shaped like Keanu Reeves.
And yes, 1984 is one of my favorite books. Because believe me, I know how annoying a Big Brother can be.
Dark Lord Sargeras, Destroyer of Worlds,
Hey man, I was hoping you could help me out with something. See a couple months ago I was a druid, turning into cats and bears and making flowers grow and calling laser moonlight from the sky, that kind of thing. It was great for awhile, but honestly, after about ten thousand years of it a guy is more than ready for a change, am I right? So I was in the market for something REALLY different when I hear about this guy Arthas in Northrend. It seems he's recruiting to make more Teron Gorefiends, and that dude was a major badass, so I waste no time in signing up.
Let me tell you something. Being dead SUCKS. You have no idea the amount of thread and skin cream I go through just to keep my flesh hanging on my body. When you're alive a papercut is no big deal, heals in a couple days. Dead? That rip in your skin is there forever, and it freaking grows every time you flex your hand. I'm sure you can imagine what the axe cuts are like. Nobody wants me around anymore 'cause of the smell and the bloodworms and bad experiences with my paint chip-eating colleagues. Plus- and this is kind of becoming a concern- I haven't been warm since November. I don't technically sleep but this cold thing is really wearing me out.
And Arthas? That dude tried to use and destroy me. That just ain't cool.
So let me make a long story short. I hear life in the Nether is a lot more interesting and hell at this point I wouldn't mind a little flames and darkness. Do you think you might have an opening for someone with my skills? I'm really getting the hang of this "reaping souls and chaos" thing and I think I could be useful in your organization.
Sincerely,
Mulifein, Death Knight
Feathermoon US
We at the Burning Legion are always accepting applications, and I can well understand how existence as an undead lackey could be a real pain in the - er - everything. (No offense, Arthas!) So, you're welcome to send us a resume.
There's only one problem I see, and that's your server name.
Dude. Feathermoon?
I mean, no offense, I'm sure it's a great realm and all, and Shandris is wicked with her bow, but...
"Feathermoon"?
I'm gonna level with ya, kid - that'll be a tough sell to the Demon Horde.
Incredible Titan Who Occasionally partakes in poetry, coffee, and blogging,
We all know you could destroy the ozone layer, cripple the atmosphere, and kill off the biosphere, but what could you do to the blogosphere?
-Tom.
PS: In one of your comments you mentioned burning legion rock bands. What kind of rock do they play, and could we land a recording or a performance of said band?
What could I do to the blogosphere? I'm doing it right now. ;-)
Yeah, we've got a few bands in the Legion. I wish I could say we represent a diverse range of musical genres, but it's pretty much all Grunge Black Punk Goth Thrash Doom Death Metal. Kil'jaeden has a band called Firehöse, which he apparently thinks is like the coolest name ever. He swears they're huge in Helsinki. *eyeroll*
Well, that's all for this mailbag, little ones! Be sure to tune in tomorrow, same time, same channel. And keep those e-mails coming!
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
New site design!
As you can see, things look a little different around here now. This is actually something I've been working on for some time - hunting for the right template, figuring out how to set it up, playing around with layouts on my test site, and of course, obtaining all the necessary ingredients for the new logo.
So. Credit where credit is due:
The new template is called Keeshep. I've modified it a bit to suit my needs.
The logo font is called Anke Calligraphic FG, and it was created by Anke Arnold.
The logo graphic was created by the incredibly talented Richard Svensson especially for this website. It is ink and watercolor. You can see more of Richard's artwork at his gallery. He is accepting commissions!
So. What do y'all think? Like it? Hate it? Notice any glitches?
UPDATE: It looks like the banner at the top does not display correctly in Internet Explorer 6; it is supposed to be transparent on a red background, and instead it shows up as a white rectangle. Of course, if you're still using IE6 you should probably think about upgrading anyway.
So. Credit where credit is due:
The new template is called Keeshep. I've modified it a bit to suit my needs.
The logo font is called Anke Calligraphic FG, and it was created by Anke Arnold.
The logo graphic was created by the incredibly talented Richard Svensson especially for this website. It is ink and watercolor. You can see more of Richard's artwork at his gallery. He is accepting commissions!
So. What do y'all think? Like it? Hate it? Notice any glitches?
UPDATE: It looks like the banner at the top does not display correctly in Internet Explorer 6; it is supposed to be transparent on a red background, and instead it shows up as a white rectangle. Of course, if you're still using IE6 you should probably think about upgrading anyway.
Don't be alarmed...
I'm going to fiddle with the template a bit. Not sure how long it will take. If the website looks a little funny over the next few hours, don't be alarmed, I'm just attempting some computer magic behind the scenes.
Meet the Sargeras Team
So I've been doing this blogging thing for about a month now, and it occurred to me that y'all might not actually know who's behind all this madness. With that in mind, I suppose a pair of introductions are in order...
First up: I'm Sargeras, of course. I think most of you know me already. I started out as a Friendly Beige Titan, but then I got evil as a plot device and now I'm a Mean Dark Titan of Burning Metal. I command armies of demons, I ravage planets, I write poetry. It's a living. I'm also apparently the main antagonist of this game called World of Warcraft. Not really sure how that one happened.
Anyway you can learn more about me by reading this blog, by visiting my pages on Facebook and WoWWiki, or by sending me an e-mail.
The other member of my little team informed me on his first day of employment that his job title is "webmaster." Ha! He is my webservant, and his "compensation" is that I don't eat him. But I suppose I'll let him introduce himself, shall I?
Thank you, Mr. Sargeras, sir! And hello everyone. My name is Brian Buckley, and that's my charming face you see above you. I live in the great state of Ohio, USA, and as of this writing I am 23 years old. I took this job because I didn't want my face melted off, I mean, because me and Sargeras are such great buddies!
Basically I run the Dark Titan's blog for him, manage his online presence, screen his e-mails, and (lowers voice) sometimes help write the posts. Only a little, of course!
What can I tell you about myself? Well, I graduated from the Ohio State University two years ago with a degree in computer science, and I'm now happily employed as a computer programmer by day. By night I'm a (mostly) unpublished aspiring author, working on a science fiction novel in my spare time. If you want to see a little sample of my non-Sargerial writing, you can check out my DeviantArt page, though I haven't updated it in ages and much of the stuff I have posted there is ancient.
I juggle, I play Go, and I am learning karate. I am also learning Dvorak so this is taking an awfully long time to type. I love Star Trek, The Lord of the Rings, and dill pickles; I hate Twitter, The Name of the Wind, and sweet pickles. In real life I am ridiculously tall.
And for the record, no, I do not actually play World of Warcraft. It looks like a sweet game but I don't have the time. I did start a character once, in college, and played for about two hours.
I was a dwarf hunter.
So now you know. Any questions for me, I mean, us?
First up: I'm Sargeras, of course. I think most of you know me already. I started out as a Friendly Beige Titan, but then I got evil as a plot device and now I'm a Mean Dark Titan of Burning Metal. I command armies of demons, I ravage planets, I write poetry. It's a living. I'm also apparently the main antagonist of this game called World of Warcraft. Not really sure how that one happened.
Anyway you can learn more about me by reading this blog, by visiting my pages on Facebook and WoWWiki, or by sending me an e-mail.
The other member of my little team informed me on his first day of employment that his job title is "webmaster." Ha! He is my webservant, and his "compensation" is that I don't eat him. But I suppose I'll let him introduce himself, shall I?
Thank you, Mr. Sargeras, sir! And hello everyone. My name is Brian Buckley, and that's my charming face you see above you. I live in the great state of Ohio, USA, and as of this writing I am 23 years old. I took this job because I didn't want my face melted off, I mean, because me and Sargeras are such great buddies!
Basically I run the Dark Titan's blog for him, manage his online presence, screen his e-mails, and (lowers voice) sometimes help write the posts. Only a little, of course!
What can I tell you about myself? Well, I graduated from the Ohio State University two years ago with a degree in computer science, and I'm now happily employed as a computer programmer by day. By night I'm a (mostly) unpublished aspiring author, working on a science fiction novel in my spare time. If you want to see a little sample of my non-Sargerial writing, you can check out my DeviantArt page, though I haven't updated it in ages and much of the stuff I have posted there is ancient.
I juggle, I play Go, and I am learning karate. I am also learning Dvorak so this is taking an awfully long time to type. I love Star Trek, The Lord of the Rings, and dill pickles; I hate Twitter, The Name of the Wind, and sweet pickles. In real life I am ridiculously tall.
And for the record, no, I do not actually play World of Warcraft. It looks like a sweet game but I don't have the time. I did start a character once, in college, and played for about two hours.
I was a dwarf hunter.
So now you know. Any questions for me, I mean, us?
Monday, April 27, 2009
The Villain Chart
As a longtime student in the wily ways of villainy (and no small practitioner as well, if it comes to that) I consider myself something of an expert in evil. So it is that I offer, as a public service: The Villain Chart.
(click to enlarge)
What say you, gentle readers?
UPDATE: Commenter Tom proposes an alternate classification scheme.
(click to enlarge)
What say you, gentle readers?
UPDATE: Commenter Tom proposes an alternate classification scheme.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
This is how you pronounce my name
Thanks everyone for your input! As Supreme Badass of the Universe, I am hereby making an executive decision. The mortals at Blizzard got it wrong.
My name is pronounced SAR-gur-rus.
That's "SAR," as in star without the T, and "gur" like the grrr sound a dog would make, and then Russ like a man's name.
"All well and good," you may say, "but I would really like this information presented in a way that is both graphical and semi-retarded."
Hypothetical beseecher, beseech no more. Your wish is granted.
(If for some unfathomable reason you want to see this bigger, you may click to enlarge.)
Well, anyway, now you know. You may proceed to correct all your guildmates on the error of their ways regarding this crucial issue. At least until they kick you out of your guild.
Have a great weekend!
My name is pronounced SAR-gur-rus.
That's "SAR," as in star without the T, and "gur" like the grrr sound a dog would make, and then Russ like a man's name.
"All well and good," you may say, "but I would really like this information presented in a way that is both graphical and semi-retarded."
Hypothetical beseecher, beseech no more. Your wish is granted.
(If for some unfathomable reason you want to see this bigger, you may click to enlarge.)
Well, anyway, now you know. You may proceed to correct all your guildmates on the error of their ways regarding this crucial issue. At least until they kick you out of your guild.
Have a great weekend!
Friday, April 24, 2009
How do you pronounce my name?
So, this is pretty weird.
My whole life (and it has been a long life, cats and kittens) I have pronounced my own name "SAR-gurr-us." Rolls right off the tongue. Coffee With SAR-gurr-us. And besides, it has that same nice, flowing rhythm as all the other badass villain names. SEF-er-roth. DRAK-yoo-la. PAL-pa-teen. SAR-gurr-us.
But it has just now come to my attention that Blizzard believes my name is pronounced "sar-GARR-us." If you want proof, jump into this video at about 1:19. There it is, plain as day.
I am not a fan of this new pronunciation. It makes the blog name sound awkward, for one thing. Really, try it - say "Coffee With Sargeras" both ways and see what I mean. Also it breaks the otherwise perfect meter on the poem I wrote about myself.
Normally I would just say it's my way or Die In A Fire, but even I am not insensitive to the needs of the common man. So I ask you: How have you been saying my name? Which do you like better? And most importantly, should I stick to my old way, or grant these lowly Blizzard mortals a boon by accepting their pronunciation?
My whole life (and it has been a long life, cats and kittens) I have pronounced my own name "SAR-gurr-us." Rolls right off the tongue. Coffee With SAR-gurr-us. And besides, it has that same nice, flowing rhythm as all the other badass villain names. SEF-er-roth. DRAK-yoo-la. PAL-pa-teen. SAR-gurr-us.
But it has just now come to my attention that Blizzard believes my name is pronounced "sar-GARR-us." If you want proof, jump into this video at about 1:19. There it is, plain as day.
I am not a fan of this new pronunciation. It makes the blog name sound awkward, for one thing. Really, try it - say "Coffee With Sargeras" both ways and see what I mean. Also it breaks the otherwise perfect meter on the poem I wrote about myself.
Normally I would just say it's my way or Die In A Fire, but even I am not insensitive to the needs of the common man. So I ask you: How have you been saying my name? Which do you like better? And most importantly, should I stick to my old way, or grant these lowly Blizzard mortals a boon by accepting their pronunciation?
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Blue eyes crying in the rain
Two items.
1. I have a guest post over at The Wordy Warrior today: Ten Ways to More Effectively Manage Your Demonic Horde. Go check it out. It's a must for any serious practitioner of the infernal arts!
Remember, if you want Sargeras to do a guest post on your blog, send me an e-mail! I'll probably say yes. And as a bonus, it now appears that not all my guest posts are about planetary rape!
2. I thought I was all cool, starting a WoW villain blog...well, it turns out I'm not the first. Not by a long shot. Seems the Little Frozen Zombie That Could has his own web journal, and it predates mine by over five months!
Go say hi to Arthas for me, will you? Wish him lots of success in his new writing career. Right up until I melt his snow fort into a Slushie.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Ask Sargeras! In which I get sued by NASA.
Hello, Lord Sargeras, bane of all life.
I am Keranx, I'm an enlightened (or as the mortals refer to it as, corrupted) Eredar that has been following you ever since your campaign on Argus. Two questions here, did Azshara ever call back? You know, after the... incident.
Second question, isn't it hard to slaughter and destroy worlds with a shattered/half of a sword?
With love,
Archwarlock Keranx.
Did Azshara call back? Not really. Only thing from her is, once in a while I get these epic eight-minute drunk-dial voicemails. Shit, here's one now, actually. Let me play it back for you:
"Heeeey Sargie! Hahahaha...so listen...no, shut up, I'm calling him! Haha...so y'know my lower half is a snake now..."
Fun fact: if working your gonads requires herpetological expertise, it is not a selling point.
As for my sword, nah, it's better this way actually. My previous sword was - and I'm quoting WoWWiki directly - "semi-sentient." There are a lot of things I look for in a greatsword, but Mensa membership is not one of them.
Dear Destroyer of Worlds,
I was just wondering what coffee do You actually drink. Since it is a Coffee with Sargeras blog...
Do You mill Your own coffee grains? Or maybe You have slaves to do that for You.
Do You like extra foam!?
Please share... I would like to follow Your indisputable taste.
Yours truly
Marzenia
My caffeine preferences cannot be described in mortal language, of course, but I think this comes pretty close. BURNING LEGION SUPER SPICY ULTIMATE COFFEE!!
Dear Fallen Titan,
If you were to die (speaking theoretically, of course), what would you drop for loot?
Sincerely,
Amaralith, Trollbane-US
This.
No, just kidding.
This.
Flaming Leviathan Of Fire, Metal, and Hate, Consumer of Worlds, Destroyer of Life, and Ruiner of azeroth,
What exactly happened at that christmas party?
-Tom
Let me put it this way. When someone reaches out a hand to grab some calamari, you're okay. When someone reaches out a paw to grab some calamari, you're okay. When someone reaches out a tentacle to grab some calamari, it's a bad, bad situation.
C'mon, Yogg. Let's let bygones be bygones. We're not so different, you and I. Apart from that whole "hideously ugly" thing you've got going on.
I'm actually not that good at reconciliation?
Greetings Great One,
I was wondering in all of your trips conquering worlds if you have been near Cybertron. If so, what do you think of the one named Unicron. A robotic planet that eats other planets. I figured if it wasn't for the whole "I could destory planets better than you" fight that would break out, you two could be good buddies, but would destroying something that destroyed other worlds by consuming them give you the ultimate orgasm (which would in turn cause the destruction of even more worlds)?
-A Countless Future Victim
Yes, it did.
Hey, where did you think the Oort Cloud came from?
(Poor, poor Voyager 2...)
O Pernicious Pasha of Pandemonium,
Scar is a villain. The Emperor is a villain (along with most Sith Lords). Dante's Lucifer is a villain. After learning a bit about hinduism, one becomes curious, are these evildoers simply faces of a singular big baddie? If so, are you somehow an image of a hierarchically superior malefactor, or are you, in fact, this masked super-entity? As a being knowledgeable of fundamental natures of existence perhaps you can answer this.
Also, what do you think is the most enjoyable method of geocide/genocide?
Thanks,
Someone-seeking-a-way-out-of-inevitable-destruction-through-existential-query
PS: When you eradicate planets, do you... Jizz. In. Your pants?!
Not in my pants, no.
If you're asking whether I'm some kind of Platonic ideal of evilness, I'm, uh, not really sure? I mean, I look in the mirror, and the face I see is pretty damn evil. But is it all it can be? Is it the paragon of malevolence? The nadir of compassion?
Hard to say. That's why every day is a fresh challenge.
The most enjoyable form of geocide is Exponential Tribble Multiplication. Fuzzy dooooom!
Dear Sargeras,
I'll make this short and painless and ask the question everybody wants, yet nobody dares to ask: Do titan males have penisses and if yes what are your measurements?
Sincerely
Anatomically Curious
I believe one of my readers has answered this one already.
Thanks everybody! Keep those questions coming!
I am Keranx, I'm an enlightened (or as the mortals refer to it as, corrupted) Eredar that has been following you ever since your campaign on Argus. Two questions here, did Azshara ever call back? You know, after the... incident.
Second question, isn't it hard to slaughter and destroy worlds with a shattered/half of a sword?
With love,
Archwarlock Keranx.
Did Azshara call back? Not really. Only thing from her is, once in a while I get these epic eight-minute drunk-dial voicemails. Shit, here's one now, actually. Let me play it back for you:
"Heeeey Sargie! Hahahaha...so listen...no, shut up, I'm calling him! Haha...so y'know my lower half is a snake now..."
Fun fact: if working your gonads requires herpetological expertise, it is not a selling point.
As for my sword, nah, it's better this way actually. My previous sword was - and I'm quoting WoWWiki directly - "semi-sentient." There are a lot of things I look for in a greatsword, but Mensa membership is not one of them.
Dear Destroyer of Worlds,
I was just wondering what coffee do You actually drink. Since it is a Coffee with Sargeras blog...
Do You mill Your own coffee grains? Or maybe You have slaves to do that for You.
Do You like extra foam!?
Please share... I would like to follow Your indisputable taste.
Yours truly
Marzenia
My caffeine preferences cannot be described in mortal language, of course, but I think this comes pretty close. BURNING LEGION SUPER SPICY ULTIMATE COFFEE!!
Dear Fallen Titan,
If you were to die (speaking theoretically, of course), what would you drop for loot?
Sincerely,
Amaralith, Trollbane-US
This.
No, just kidding.
This.
Flaming Leviathan Of Fire, Metal, and Hate, Consumer of Worlds, Destroyer of Life, and Ruiner of azeroth,
What exactly happened at that christmas party?
-Tom
Let me put it this way. When someone reaches out a hand to grab some calamari, you're okay. When someone reaches out a paw to grab some calamari, you're okay. When someone reaches out a tentacle to grab some calamari, it's a bad, bad situation.
C'mon, Yogg. Let's let bygones be bygones. We're not so different, you and I. Apart from that whole "hideously ugly" thing you've got going on.
I'm actually not that good at reconciliation?
Greetings Great One,
I was wondering in all of your trips conquering worlds if you have been near Cybertron. If so, what do you think of the one named Unicron. A robotic planet that eats other planets. I figured if it wasn't for the whole "I could destory planets better than you" fight that would break out, you two could be good buddies, but would destroying something that destroyed other worlds by consuming them give you the ultimate orgasm (which would in turn cause the destruction of even more worlds)?
-A Countless Future Victim
Yes, it did.
Hey, where did you think the Oort Cloud came from?
(Poor, poor Voyager 2...)
O Pernicious Pasha of Pandemonium,
Scar is a villain. The Emperor is a villain (along with most Sith Lords). Dante's Lucifer is a villain. After learning a bit about hinduism, one becomes curious, are these evildoers simply faces of a singular big baddie? If so, are you somehow an image of a hierarchically superior malefactor, or are you, in fact, this masked super-entity? As a being knowledgeable of fundamental natures of existence perhaps you can answer this.
Also, what do you think is the most enjoyable method of geocide/genocide?
Thanks,
Someone-seeking-a-way-out-of-inevitable-destruction-through-existential-query
PS: When you eradicate planets, do you... Jizz. In. Your pants?!
Not in my pants, no.
If you're asking whether I'm some kind of Platonic ideal of evilness, I'm, uh, not really sure? I mean, I look in the mirror, and the face I see is pretty damn evil. But is it all it can be? Is it the paragon of malevolence? The nadir of compassion?
Hard to say. That's why every day is a fresh challenge.
The most enjoyable form of geocide is Exponential Tribble Multiplication. Fuzzy dooooom!
Dear Sargeras,
I'll make this short and painless and ask the question everybody wants, yet nobody dares to ask: Do titan males have penisses and if yes what are your measurements?
Sincerely
Anatomically Curious
I believe one of my readers has answered this one already.
Thanks everybody! Keep those questions coming!
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